Mansplaining Mince

This is for Judy Campbell. I was being cheeky and told her I should write a cookbook and call it Dude Food and Mansplaing Mince. At the time I ripped out an explanation of mince at her behest. I reckon there could be some fun to be had with this so here it goes.

Mince is the yucky parts of animals but mostly cows. This is because cows are part of the alien invasion and humans found that by cutting cows up into bits and burning them the alien cows would get scared. The problem was the yucky bits and science found a solution by putting the yucky bits into a machine that made them into cow meat strings that stuck together a bit but fell apart a bit when you cooked it. When yucky bits of animals are turned into animal string then it becomes nice and not yucky. Poor people used to eat mince but rich people got jealous and they made mince trendy.

When you turn other animals into meat string it becomes trendy except for when you mince a chook because chickens are the spawn of satan and will steal your soul if you’re not careful. It’s been proven scientifically that if you mix mince together then you get a big pile of mince that might have evil chicken string in it. It’s the beady eyes that makes chickens evil.

Naturally the secret government don’t want people to know that mince is made from yucky bits so they put satellites in the sky to monitor thoughts. If you think mince is good then it’s because the secret government put those thoughts in your head from the satellites to make you like mince. Unfortunately they forget to exclude the rich people and they now think mince is good and that’s why we have to export the good parts of animals as rich people don’t want them because of mince.

See how simple it is to mansplain mince.

If you liked this then I might hand out some dude food recipes. As a teaser I’ve put my son’s recipe for breakfast pizza below.

Breakfast Pizza

We have a supermarket here called Coles and they sell their own line of pizzas. For this recipe you need the pepperoni pizza one they sell as it is loaded with heaps of pepperoni. It’s the lazy way to have the pizza base and some toppings.

Give the pizza base a coating of BBQ sauce and then a sprinkle of cheese of your choice as the glue to hold what comes next.

Next load it with diced onion, diced bacon, olives, mushrooms, and anything else you like. Make sure the pizza topping at this point is at least two inches thick.

Then a couple of handfuls of cheese on top. Make a shallow well in the centre of the pizza and crack two eggs into it and poke them with a knife. Next add a final handful of cheese to cover the eggs and to seal the deal. Sprinkle mixed herbs over the pizza and bake in a hot oven until almost ready and then let it finish with the oven off and just using the residual heat until you are sure the egg is fully cooked as half cooked eggs sucks.

Let it stand for about ten minutes and then slice the bastard up and it eat it.

This recipe is especially good if you have vegans coming around because of the olives and mushrooms.  It’s also a winner with teenage boys and midnight fridge raids. Total cost is around about $15 to make one depending on your toppings and two slices is a meal for non-teenagers.

One thought on “Mansplaining Mince

  1. Although you don’t mention religion or spirituality in your article, the combination topic of meat-eating, theism and Biblical theology has interested me for a while, especially that carnivorism goes unchallenged by mainstream Christianity.

    While I, though a believer in Christ’s miracles, do not believe that God required blood and/or pain ‘payment’ from Jesus or anyone else, I do factually know that the creator’s animals have had their blood literally shed and bodies eaten in mindboggling quantities by Man. And I wonder whether the figurative forbidden fruit of Eden eaten by Adam and Eve may have actually been the creator’s four-legged creations.

    I can see that really angering the Almighty — a lot more than the couple’s eating non-sentient, non-living, non-bloodied fruit. Mainstream Christianity doesn’t speak up much at all about what we, collectively, have done to animals for so long. Furthermore, could eating meat be bad for the consumer on a personal spiritual level as well as on the physical self?

    P.S. To clarify, I’m not vegetarian. Though I seldom eat mammal meat, I do enjoy eating prawns or shrimp pretty much on a weekly basis.


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